Who moved my Big O?

Right now, in every city, town and hamlet, and on every continent, women and men are copulating with each other! If we could check-in with each party, we would find varying degrees of satisfaction ranging from “It was OK” to “What a mind-blowing adventure!”

Any number of factors could affect that satisfaction rating, however in my informal surveys of women in heterosexual relationships, many note that they have often enough felt a little “under-served” as opposed to “well taken care of” by their partners. When asked why, the frequent response was “I wasn’t finished, I needed and wanted MORE!; but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings”.

So, how could two people who care about each other and about giving and receiving pleasure enter the garden of pure pleasure and leave less than fully satisfied? One possibility, which advances quickly to the top of the list, is the idea of “androcentricity” and all that it fosters.

In a nutshell –androcentricity- is the practice of focusing primary attention on the male in any given context or activity. Within heterosexual relationships, androcentricity works to place singular focus on male satisfaction and orgasm.

Perhaps not surprisingly, the androcentric focus has had spotty success and for centuries many women failed to experience sexual bliss with their partners. Historical researcher Rachel P. Maines examines the impact of androcentric sexual practices in her classic work “The Technology of Orgasm”. She details the history of Western medical and social thought about female and male sexuality and illuminates some of the root cause for the past and current lack of fulfillment experienced by many women.

Recorded data from the fourth century B.C. notes that sexually unfulfilled women were classified as ‘hysterics” and their “disease” was treated by their physicians or midwives who manually massaged them to “paroxysm” or orgasm. Medical notes and records show that some of the "symptoms" women exhibited included irritability, and loss of appetite for food or sex. After these women were "treated" they appeared to be calm and restored their normal selves!
(We wonder why!)

In 1952 the American Psychiatric Association declassified hysteria as a mental health disease and the doors to pleasure were opened for women. But were they really opened and if so, how wide? How long would it take to move out of an androcentric mindset? Who would teach women and men what they would need to know in order to fully satisfy themselves and each other? What skills would we need to master in order to give and receive pleasure? How could we all come out of the closet?

We’ve come a very long way, but clearly we still have some real road left to travel if we are going to create an environment where the pleasure and satisfaction of both parties is the goal being sought by both partners. We need a level of freedom in thought that allows for honest communication and action.

I hope you’ll join us as we explore and talk about paths that can help heighten sensual and intimate pleasure and lead you to experience life in ways that perhaps you never dreamed was possible….

I’d love to hear from you. Please send me a note with your thoughts and questions about sensuality, intimacy, pleasure and sex. Send your correspondence to:
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